Wednesday, May 9, 2012

It ends

Yesterday afternoon, Mom died. Five months and two days from the day she had the stroke. She developed pneumonia the week before. In the middle of the afternoon, her doctor called to say the regular antibiotics weren't working. He wanted to confirm with me that we didn't want to try more aggressive treatments. I agreed that continuing would be against the spirit of Mom's living will, so we decided to continue with the current treatment, keep her comfortable, and wait. I left work right away to visit her, and spent an hour holding her hand. She was beyond sleeping at that point. I went home to start letting family know what we decided and that the end might come soon. Less than two hours after I got home, I received the call from her doctor.

I'm not sure how I am at this point. Right now I have the distraction of a long to-do list, as I did when she first had the stroke. I spent most of last night on the phone, letting people know what happened. Today I meet with the funeral home to decide what to do next. I've long had general instructions from Mom on what she would prefer, but there are still a lot of decisions to be made.

I've been saying goodbye to Mom for a long time now. I know she didn't want to continue suffering from this stroke. I could only pray for God's mercy, and accept whatever form that mercy took. There's still grief, like I'm starting over, near the beginning. Maybe taking a slightly different path of grief. But there's also relief. For her and for me.


DataGoddess said...

Oh, Linda, I am so sorry for your loss.

Feeling relief makes sense, because she's finally done with the struggle. Remember to be gentle with yourself, and do what you need to do to take care of yourself, whether that's a good cry, chocolate, or a good book.

Much love to you.

quasigeostrophy said...

I'm so sorry, Linda. Hang in there. When my mom went through similar before she died, my emotions were all over the place before and after. Relief is good. And if there's anything I/we can do, just ask.

Phiala said...

I'm so sorry, Linda. I understand the relief and mixed emotions; I felt the same way after Nick's dad died. Take care of yourself, and don't be afraid to ask for help.

Jane said...

Relief and grief, that is how both Steve and I felt when his mom died. As did his sisters. However, we had lived with her illness for over 5 years - you've barely had time to digest the stroke fully. As Dan said, emotions all over the place.

If there is anything at all we can do, if you need to talk, anything.

Here if you need me.

dabbler said...

Grief is a spiral, we visit parts over again on our own journey and in our own time. Doesn't mean the earlier visits weren't real/needed/part of healing. My mother's been gone for 40+ years, and I still sometimes hit a moment of profound loss. (Though, truly, I feel the relief more often!)

I second the suggestions of treating yourself gently, and know that many of us are here to listen if needed.

spacedlaw said...

So sorry, Linda. I really have no words.

libwitch said...

I am sorry for you loss. I understand the mix of grief and relief you are feeling.

Marjorie said...

So much love, Linda. I am so sorry for your loss.

And yes, relief and grief - totally natural and reasonable things for you to be feeling.
We're here for you as and when you need us.

ariandalen said...

{{{{Linda}}}} Yes; grief and relief. Don't beat yourself up if you feel more relief than grief. It's okay.

Everybody else has already said anything else I could add. The only thing I'll repeat is offering an ear if you want/need it.


vampi said...


my thoughts are with you and your family.

I have plenty of vacation, if you need some company, let me know.

Dragonsally said...

Linda, I am so very sorry.

You and your family are in my thoughts.

Take care of yourself dear friend.

Arwenn said...

So sorry for your loss...I can't really add anything to the excellent things said in earlier comments.

If there's anything at all I can do, don't hesitate to ask - I'm not all that far away.

Na said...

Love and light to you, Linda.

Valya said...

Just read this, Linda. Sending love. Please let me know if I can do anything.

Chantrelle said...

Linda, I'm so so sorry.