My first job was at a fast food restaurant, where I spent most of my time serving and cleaning in the dining area. So I was constantly on my feet for several hours most evenings. I didn't have shoes that were acceptable to the management, so I had to buy a new pair. New shoes and constantly on your feet are not a good combination, especially with the sort of shoes I could afford. I quickly learned not to sit down during breaks, no matter how tired I was. Taking the pressure off my raw heels just made it worse to stand up again.
It's been somewhat the same with visiting my mom lately. Shortly after my last post, I went away for a conference. I wasn't sure until a week or so before that whether I would even attend. I'd already warned my committee chair, the guest speaker I had been making arrangements with, and my hotel roommate that I might not come. But eventually I decided to go. Mom seemed as well settled into the subacute facility as I could expect, and she seemed to understand me when I told her I would be away for four days. Even though conferences aren't restful, I looked forward to having a bit of a break from Mom and the whole situation. And it was nice to have that break. To take the pressure off for a short while.
I had planned on visiting Mom the evening after I got back home. I got back in plenty of time to do so, but I found I just wasn't able to face putting the pressure back on. I visited her the next evening instead, after work. It wasn't a fun visit. Mom didn't seem to have improved at all in the five days I'd been away. And she did a lot of screaming. I felt like the endurance I had built up over the weeks was gone. I was depressed and tired and just not able to deal with Mom. I ended up staying away for another four days.
This Monday I visited, and again on Wednesday. I'll go again tonight. Mom's been more asleep than awake while I've been with her this week. So I've yet to really test my endurance, my ability to take the pressure again. I hope tonight's visit goes well. But I hope even more that I can find that endurance again.